Why are some conversations with certain people so difficult?
I recently sat in on a difficult conversation between two senior executives – let’s call them “Brad” and “Stephen.” Brad was giving Stephen feedback on a project Stephen had completed recently. He told Stephen that, while he was pleased with the final result, there were aspects of Stephen’s work that Brad thought could be improved in the future.
Stephen stiffened in response and defensively recited all the challenges he had endured to complete the project. In fact, he suggested that Brad was the source of many of those challenges. In sum, he was saying, “I did everything right, and if you think I did something wrong, it was your fault.”
Familiar?
As leaders, we may think we are simply talking to solve a problem, giving feedback on performance, or answering someone’s question. But it’s never that simple. There is actually a great deal more happening beneath the surface of our conversations.
Our Ego is always in the conversation.
Underneath the spoken dialogue, we silently keep score. (The person we are talking with is probably doing the same!) Without even realizing it, we ask ourselves: “Am I looking better or worse right now? Am I viewed as having it together, or lacking something? Am I winning, or losing?”
And when the responses to these unspoken questions leave us feeling insecure or threatened, our emotions get triggered. Most often, we feel some degree of anger, fear, or shame.
These emotions then find their way into our words and actions in three ways:
- We self-validate. Wanting badly to be understood, we justify ourselves (perhaps redundantly) to make our point.
- We self-protect. Fearing injury to our reputation or our future, we unnecessarily go on the defensive.
- We self-promote. Because our ego has been threatened, we posture and remind ourselves (and others) about the strengths we bring to the table.
In essence: Ego Speaks >> Emotions Triggered >> Barriers Raised
Each response hinders our ability to engage authentically and effectively in conversation. They sabotage teamwork and create problems on top of the problems we are trying to solve.
How, then, do we as leaders move beyond Ego-Driven interactions?
In 1970, Robert Greenleaf published an essay titled, “Servant Leadership” (Greenleaf’s book on the same subject is available here). He wrote that great leaders are most motivated by a desire to serve others.
This stands in stark contrast to Ego-Driven Leadership.
So, what does this notion of “Servant Leadership” (espoused by such notable leaders as John Mackey of Whole Foods, Kip Tindell of The Container Store, and Cheryl Bachelder of Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen) say in relation to my Ego’s voice?
The Ego-Driven voice says: How can I be a superstar?
The Servant Leader voice responds: How can I help my subordinates be superstars?
The Ego voice says: What is going to be best for me?
The Servant Leader voice responds: How can others benefit?
The Ego voice says: How can I make them understand me?
The Servant Leader voice says: Who else has a perspective that could be useful?
The Ego voice says: Is he gunning for my position?
The Servant Leader voice says: How can we invite more talent into this organization?
Self-awareness helps us to move away from the automatic and often unhelpful Ego-Driven voice. Be more self-aware today. Try to notice how your ego finds its way into the most innocent of conversations. How are you trying to appear smarter, more powerful, or more accomplished than those around you?
And after noticing, how can you then choose differently? Great leaders move beyond the Ego voice to leave a legacy of empowering, encouraging, and serving others.