Elliot Spitzer is a role model for it. So is Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick of Detroit. Bill Clinton. Jack Welch. Each of these leaders had a secret. When the secret was exposed it tainted or destroyed a promising or otherwise successful leadership legacy.
Why is it everyone shares their “secrets” of leadership success, but no one talks about the secrets of leadership destruction?
Obviously, we’re not talking about corporate strategy secrets. The secrets here are personal to the Leader. They are often connected in some way with strong emotions – fear, anger, sadness. The test of whether a secret is healthy or appropriate –
Would you be ashamed if your secret became known to others?
There can be two types of secrets. The first is a secret of something that happened to us in the past — often associated with neglect, abuse, abandonment. I’ve learned such secrets are as prevalent in affluent households as in orphanages. In many cases, a Leader doesn’t even recognize it day to day. They have never talked about it with anyone. Instead, they shut it away in a dark closet years ago and have largely forgotten about it.
The other type of secret is a behavior that we are carrying out in the present, often in unconscious response to the first secret. This secret might actually be known by one or two others besides the Leader — a spouse, a top advisor. Sometimes it shows up as an addiction. The Leader has to work at controlling it and keeping it under wraps.
Here are a few things I have learned about secrets and Leaders.
- Secrets can drive Leaders. Secret pain from the past can actually be the catalyst that motivates Leaders to be super-achievers. We heap praise on such leaders, but for them it’s never enough. We now know at least some of Lance Armstrong’s super-human drive and accomplishment can be traced to bitterness over his childhood.
- Secrets prevent authenticity in a Leader. At some level, the leader has to maintain two identities – the false identity that hides the secret, and the true identity that abides the secret. People will eventually discern the fuzziness in the two. Elliott Spitzer lived two lives – in one he was prosecuting; in the other he was hooking up.
- Secrets ultimately sabotage, whether from without or within. They may not always become public, but generally they do and they are destructive. Even if kept under wraps, secrets rob a leader of the energy, joy and contentment that comes with living an authentic life.
So what do you do? It’s easy to say, “I’ve lived with the secret this long, I’ll just keep going.”
No, there’s a better way.
Secrets dwell in the dark recesses. So the solution is to bring them out into the light. This isn’t done casually, of course. You do it with a trusted friend and probably, ultimately, a professional counselor.
I’ve learned from others to make a habit of keeping my life purged of secrets. There are a couple of trusted friends with whom I regularly download any thought or activity from the past day or week that might bring shame if it were known to the whole world. I find that when you bring such a secret out into the light, it loses its energy to grow and be destructive from within.
Finally, a word about addictions . . . . I’m observing firsthand too much radioactive destruction from Leaders with addictions to not write on this.
Maybe it’s not you. But inevitably it will be a Leader you know.
Addictions have their roots in secret pain. The addictive behavior is a response – an acting out – to that pain. We try to keep an addiction secret for a while, maybe a family secret. But it eventually comes out, because it takes control.
Wondering if something is an addiction? Try this definition:
A behavior you keep indulging in, even though you know it’s not good for you or those around you.
Want to leave a strong Leadership legacy? Two takeaways . . .
- Deal with any shameful secrets in your own life;
- Help another who you know has some in their life.